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Domestic Violence During the Holidays
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Free, Confidential, 24/7
The holiday season is a time designed to bring out the best in people.
For domestic violence survivors, the holiday season brings with it far more stressors than for most, as the “should be joyful” time sees surges in domestic violence rates and incidents,
These are some reasons why domestic violence during the holidays is a serious problem.
Financial Stress
One of the most significant contributors to the rise in domestic violence during the holidays is financial stress. The pressure to buy gifts, host gatherings, and meet societal expectations can strain household budgets.
Increased Alcohol Consumption
The holiday season is often accompanied by increased alcohol consumption which is a well-known risk factor for domestic violence.
The Illusion of Togetherness
The emphasis on family and togetherness during the holidays can also be a contributing factor. Victims may be more reluctant to leave or report their abusers during this time, fearing they’ll ruin the holidays for their children and others with whom they normally observe the holidays.
Emotional and Psychological Factors
The expectation to maintain a cheerful demeanor, coupled with the stress of family interactions, can lead to heightened emotions. For those already in volatile relationships, these emotional triggers can escalate conflicts into physical violence.
The National Domestic Violence Helpline is available to help.
On September 13, 1994 President Bill Clinton signed the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) which authorized the creation of the National Domestic Hotline. The first call to the Helpline was on February 21, 1996. As of March 13, 2024 the hotline had answered its seven millionth contact.
The hotline offers care and support for callers. They have a language line that offers 140 languages with help of a trained interpreter.
You do not have to be experiencing domestic abuse yourself to call the National Domestic Hotline.
If you or someone you care for is experiencing domestic abuse, no matter their gender, do not hesitate to reach out to The Hotline. You can begin by visiting their website at thehotline.org or calling their 24/7 support line (1-800-799-7233) and speaking to an advocate dedicated and trained to help in these difficult times. Advocates are also available to chat online at thehotline.org.
The hotline is there to serve all those impacted by domestic violence. If you go on line and are unable to wait safely or aren’t ready to call, chat or text a “Directory of Local Providers” is available to search for resources and support in your area. When you want to leave the conversation a message comes up to “click the trash can image to delete a record of this interaction”.
If interested in more education on the signs of domestic abuse and safe actions, contact Maria’s Voice at https://www.mariasvoice.org.
To get professional guidance about what you are experiencing talk to an advocate at Home Free's 24 hour crisis line at 763-559-4945 or Cornerstone at 952-884-0376.
Call the National Domestic Hotline (24/7) at 1-800-799-7233
Text “START” to 88788
Chat: www.thehotline.org
You can also text 911 for help.
You are not alone. You can be a survivor. -
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month
How to Respond If Someone Tells You They Are Being Abused
Asking someone if they are being abused is difficult and awkward, so it is easy to come up with reasons to avoid that conversation. Reaching out to them, however, could make all the difference to a victim. Here are some guidelines to responding helpfully.
· Believe them.
· Let them know it is not their fault. (Abusers tell the victim that abuse is their fault.)
· Give resources and referrals so they know there is help. Connecting with a local DV program can offer hope and concrete assistance.
· Support and respect the choices they make. They may decide the time is not right to leave; it can sometimes take months of planning to leave an abusive situation.
· Discuss safety plans, including setting aside money, putting together an emergency escape bag, making a list of important numbers. Connect them with a shelter advocate to help with safety planning.
· Protect confidentiality – promise that the abuser will not know about your conversations.
· Provide support after any separation; it is a complicated loss that might be mourned, despite the pain of the relationship.
· Provide spiritual support.
· Couples counseling is not recommended in these situations, it can put the victim/survivor at risk.
· Don’t forget to take care of yourself in these situations. Vicarious trauma can take a toll on the helpers.
Just listening and caring when someone shares their story of abuse is a powerful message that they are not alone.WHY DOESN’T SHE/HE LEAVE?
Leaving one’s abuser for good is rarely a simple thing. With children, pets, property and finances thrown into the mix, leaving an abuser can be a dangerous, life-threatening endeavor.
Most women try to leave seven times before they leave for good – and most domestic homicides happen when the woman is trying to leave and the abuser fears losing control.
Still, many people ask: Why doesn’t she just leave? If we don’t answer that, the victim will often be blamed for not walking out the door. There are monumental obstacles to leaving an abusive situation.
They don’t have a safe place to go to and don’t know there are community resources like shelters.
It can feel “safer” to stay. Abusers often threaten to hurt the victim and anyone who helps them if they leave. The victim can feel guilty about uprooting their children, starting over with no money. Maybe the victim doesn’t have job skills, a work history or a good education or has incapacitating health issues and low self-esteem. Maybe she is ashamed about “letting” the abuse happen, is in denial about it, or simply wants to keep the family together.
Abusers gaslight the victim. Abusers are skilled at convincing the victim that the abuse is their fault, that they deserve it, that they will lose custody of the children, or that the abuse will stop.
A woman who is being abused is at her lowest point: physically exhausted, possibly injured, emotionally devastated, with no self-esteem and little, if any, support. She has no money and often no job, is terrified the abuser will hunt her down and hurt her or anyone who helps her, and may have dependent children.
Would you be able to walk out that door under those circumstances?IS IT ABUSE?
THREATS. Do they threaten to hurt you, have you deported, threaten suicide, or to disclose embarrassing information to friends and family?
CRITICISM AND GASLIGHTING. Are you constantly criticized or put down by them, do they make you feel afraid or crazy, or do they minimize or blame you for their behavior?
DEPENDENCY AND CONTROL. Do you depend on then for food, shelter, money or medical assistance?
VIOLENT BEHAVIOR. Has the physical, emotional or sexual violence increased in severity, or dothey use jealousy to justify their behavior?
UNABLE TO LEAVE. Have you tried to leave your partner but felt manipulated or unsafe?
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Call Hennepin County Dispatch 952.952.5321 to make a report, or dial 911 if you are in immediate danger. Call Cornerstone at 866.223.1111/text 612.399.9995, or visit cornerstonemn.org.Why Does Purple Symbolize Domestic Violence?
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Call Hennepin County Dispatch 952.952.5321 to make a report, or dial 911 if you are in immediate danger. Call Cornerstone at 866.223.1111/text 612.399.9995, or visit cornerstonemn.org.
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. If you look around, you will see a lot of purple.
Throughout October, people decorate their lives with the color purple – from t-shirts and ribbons to nail polish and hair color. The city of Maple Grove even lights up purple at the Gov’t Center and Public Safety Building.
Why? The color purple is a symbol of peace, courage, survival, honor and dedication to ending violence. It is a salute to survivors and those we have lost to domestic violence.
So, when you notice all the purple this month at church and in the community, stop for a second to appreciate the gift of living a life free of abuse and offer a prayer for every individual and every family whose lives are affected by domestic violence.
Domestic Violence Prevention Tips
KNOW THE SIGNS OF INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE
ISOLATION
What does it feel like? I am not allowed to see friends, coworkers, or my family. If I do see them, I get interrogated. I am spied on—my calls, texts, and social media accounts are watched. Sometimes, I’m not allowed to leave the house.
What does it look like? Your friend or family member gets quickly swept up into a relationship. Suddenly, you get blown off or ghosted. They no-show at events and activities. Their partner is jealous of any time spent with their friends and family. They keep their partner away from one-on-one conversations.
What’s a Safe Action? Stay curious about their well-being. Attempt to stay in touch with them. Let them know you are there for them. National DV Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), Text “START” to 88788, Chat Online: www.thehotline.org
What’s a healthy sign? Partners support each other to make and keep friends. Both stay connected to family and friends. Each person is independent and pursues their own interests.
FINANCIAL ABUSE
What does it feel like? I can’t use our bank accounts or our money. My partner overspends or drains our accounts. They wreck my chances of getting or keeping a job. They don’t let me use the car for work. I’m given a small allowance and have to explain what I spend.
What does it look like? A person might not have access to money or credit. They are not involved in making family financial decisions. They miss work or are not permitted to work—OR their partner may refuse to work or contribute to the family’s finances.
What’s a Safe Action? Ask them about their most immediate needs. Can you help them with those needs? Hold their money/documents in a location their partner cannot reach. National DV Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), Text “START” to 88788, Chat Online: www.thehotline.org
What’s a healthy sign? Partners discuss financial information with each other. They make major financial decisions together.
EMOTIONAL & VERBAL ABUSE
What does it feel like? I am called names or get yelled at, especially when no one else is around. My partner’s name-calling degrades, humiliates, and terrifies me. I walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off.
What does it look like? People who abuse may put down and shame their partners in private or in social settings. Your friend’s partner may call them embarrassing names, ignore them, or insult them in front of you and others. Emotional abuse, name-calling, or threats often escalates into physical abuse.
What’s a Safe Action? Let them know they don’t deserve to be treated this way. It is not their fault. Speak up when you hear words or see actions that humiliate or put down others. National DV Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), Text “START” to 88788, Chat Online: www.thehotline.org
What’s a healthy sign? Partners speak to and about each other with respect. They avoid raising their voices while arguing. Both feel safe expressing their opinions.
TECHNOLOGY ABUSE & STALKING
What does it feel like? I get constant texts from my partner. I must answer right away. My saved contacts get deleted. My phone or computer gets broken, or my service gets cut off. I’m forced to share my log-in information. I get blocked from accounts. GPS monitors my every move.
What does it look like? Your friend’s partner texts or calls constantly. An immediate response is required. Their partner insists on knowing where they are at all times. You can’t reach your friend because they have no access to the internet, social/email accounts—or even their cell phone.
What’s a Safe Action? Point out that using technology to control or spy on a person is controlling and wrong. Listen without judgment if they choose to confide in you. National DV Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), Text “START” to 88788, Chat Online: www.thehotline.org
What’s a healthy sign? Partners who trust each other do not constantly check up on each other. Each partner gives the other independence. They don’t have to be involved in every part of each other’s lives.
APPEARANCE CHANGES
What does it feel like? My partner decides what I wear. They decide on my hairstyle or makeup. They call me names or forbid me to wear things I like to wear. If I want to wear tight or short clothing, I get accused of cheating. I may be forced to have cosmetic surgery I don’t want.
What does it look like? Your friend may be dressing or looking very differently than they did before this relationship. Their clothing choices are so different now: longer skirts, looser pants, higher necklines, less jewelry, no high heels, and little to no makeup. Or, just the opposite if they were once a conservative dresser.
What’s a Safe Action? Ask about your friend’s change in appearance and listen closely to their answers. Stay curious about their well-being and stay connected to them. National DV Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), Text “START” to 88788, Chat Online: www.thehotline.org
What’s a healthy sign? Partners express themselves through their own clothing, hairstyle or make up choices. They make willing compromises about their appearance choices.
USING CHILDREN
What does it feel like? I’m threatened that my kids will be taken away. I am worried my kids will be harmed. My partner ignores parental responsibilities, turns the kids against me, or wrecks my time with the kids.
What does it look like? Comments or worries about the children's safety get revealed to you. Court, custody, or child support arrangements are always occurring in their life. Children are anxious or depressed or acting out.
What’s a Safe Action? Listen and believe them. Offer to be a backup childcare provider. Testify for them in court, if able. National DV Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), Text “START” to 88788, Chat Online: www.thehotline.org
What’s a healthy sign? The children’s safety is a priority for each parent. Despite challenges, each party tries to speak positively about the other. Challenges get resolved by talking together, committing to a plan, or consulting with a third-party professional.
INTIMIDATION, COERCION & THREATS
What does it feel like? I’m scared when my partner hits walls near me, throws dishes, breaks furniture, slashes my tires, or breaks my windshield. They threaten self-harm, to hurt my pet or someone in my family. The gun on the counter or on the nightstand intimidates me. I’m afraid to leave because of what might happen to my kids, family, or even them.
What does it look like? Someone who is wary of upsetting their partner in any way. They may be very nervous around their partner or may flinch around them. They are always trying to over-please their partner and avoid conflict. Threats often escalate into physical violence.
What’s a Safe Action? Do NOT directly confront someone who intimidates or threatens another. Instead, talk privately with the person in the situation. Ask them direct questions and express your concerns. Take threats seriously. National DV Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), Text “START” to 88788, Chat Online: www.thehotline.org
What’s a healthy sign? Partners feel safe sharing their opinions. When conflicts happen, they know they are on the same team. They work things out through discussion. Their home is a place that feels safe.
MINIMIZING, DENYING & BLAMING - GASLIGHTING
What does it feel like? My partner tells me I recall things incorrectly. They completely change the story of how things happened. I feel like it’s my fault when they get mad. There's always another reason, rule, or excuse for what they do. I’m told I’m crazy and I wonder if I really am.
What does it look like? You notice a person's uncertainty and self-doubt. You notice repeated comments from their partner, like: “It wasn’t that bad”, “You make a big deal out of everything”, “You're so dramatic”, “You know that didn’t happen”.
What’s a Safe Action? Believe them! Assure them they don’t deserve to be treated that way. They are probably already questioning their own experience because their partner is making them feel crazy. Offer to help with a safety plan. National DV Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), Text “START” to 88788, Chat Online: www.thehotline.org
What’s a healthy sign? Partners take responsibility for their own actions. Partners admit when they make mistakes. Situations are re-told truthfully. Each partner wants the best for each other.
USING PRIVILEGE TO MAINTAIN POWER & CONTROL
What does it feel like? When I don’t do what my partner wants, I’m threatened. They say they’ll out me. They threaten to turn me in to INS/ICE. They use dowry against me and say they paid for me, so I have to do what they tell me to. They won’t give me my medications when I need them.
What does it look like? Male privilege: the wife belongs in the kitchen, the man is always right, don’t talk back. Citizenship status: I’ll get you deported. Sexuality: I’ll tell your family you’re gay/bi/queer. Money: you’ll be homeless if you leave me. Language: lack of options, money, or job due to one partner's language barrier.
What’s a Safe Action? If you benefit from privilege, speak up for others who don’t. Speak out against harmful comments or “jokes”. Stay in touch and curious about the well-being of a person who may be stuck in this dynamic. National DV Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), Text “START” to 88788, Chat Online: www.thehotline.org
What’s a healthy sign? Both partners have equal power and rights. A partner with higher privilege doesn’t take advantage of it.
SEXUAL ABUSE
What does it feel like? I am forced into sex with my partner when I don’t want to. I’m made to look at pornography, touched, held down, or perform sexual acts I don’t want. I may be forced into pregnancy OR to have an abortion.
What does it look like? A person may tell you what happened to them. OR someone may brag or boast about what they did to their partner in private.
What’s a Safe Action? Believe them and let them know that they must always give their consent to any sexual act, every time - even if they are married. Tell them that any forced sexual contact is considered abuse. National DV Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), Text “START” to 88788, Chat Online: www.thehotline.org
What’s a healthy sign? Partners – including married partners – are respectful of each other and always wait for consent before initiating any form of sexual contact.
PHYSICAL ABUSE
What does it feel like? I never know what’s coming. In public, my partner yanks my arm, pinches, kicks, or pushes me. At home, I get slapped, punched, choked, or have my hair pulled. They may even hold a gun to my head or threaten to cut me with a knife.
What does it look like? You may see someone pushing, slapping, yanking the arm of their partner, or pinching them when they don’t think you are looking. You may notice bruises or a black eye or a cast on their arm or leg, with an explanation that does not add up. Or, they may avoid you for weeks or show up wearing sunglasses or a turtleneck.
What’s a Safe Action? Let your friend know that even ONE instance of physical violence is evidence of an abusive relationship AND can escalate quickly into a dangerous or life-threatening level. If you witness the abuse, do not confront the abuser for your own safety. Consider calling the police or contacting a shelter or domestic violence organization to create a safety plan. National DV Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), Text “START” to 88788, Chat Online: www.thehotline.org
What’s a healthy sign? Conflict is resolved through words and never escalates to violence. Both partners feel safe with each other. Weapons are responsibly locked up.
POST-SEPARATION ABUSE
What does it feel like? My ex-partner won’t leave me alone after we broke up. They drive by my house or my work. They intimidate my new partner. I feel afraid for myself and the kids. My ex threatens to take me to court and continually hassles me. My ex sabotages plans for the kids and is turning them against me. Will this ever end?
What does it look like? I notice or my friend tells me that their ex is still super angry and is looking for revenge. Their ex spreads lies or tells overly personal information to people in their life (friends, children’s teacher, family, etc.) to embarrass or discredit them or so people side with the ex.
What’s a Safe Action? Consider your and your friends' safety first. Help them build a support network and safety plan. Encourage them to reach out for professional/legal advice. National DV Hotline: Call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233), Text “START” to 88788, Chat Online: www.thehotline.org
What’s a healthy sign? Partners part ways and move on with respect to the decision that was made to break-up. They put what is best for their children as their first priority. -
Domestic Violence Risk Assessment Guide:
Red Flags for Abuser Lethality
Note: The presence of these factors can indicate an elevated risk of serious injury or lethality. The absence of these factors is not, however, evidence of the absence of risk or lethality. It is impossible to predict with certainty which abusers will become lethal to their victims. All abusers should be viewed as potentially deadly, though there are well-documented indicators of lethality of which everyone should be aware.
The following are Red Flags for elevated danger:
Has the victim tried to leave the abuser?
Does the victim believe that the abuser will re-assault or attempt to kill her/him? (A “no” answer does not indicate a low level of risk, but a “yes” answer is very significant.)
Has the abuser ever threatened to or tried to kill the victim?
Does the abuser have access to a firearm, or is there a firearm in the home?
Has the abuser ever used or threatened to use a weapon against the victim?
Has the abuser ever attempted to strangle or choke the victim?
Has the physical violence increased in frequency or severity over the past year?
Has the abuser forced the victim to have sex?
Does the abuser try to control most or all of the victim’s daily activities?
Is the abuser constantly or violently jealous?
Has the abuser ever threatened or tried to commit suicide?
Are there any pending or prior Orders for Protection, criminal or civil cases involving the alleged perpetrator?
For help in assessing and dealing with a potentially lethal situation, contact:
DAY ONE MN DV Crisis Line 866.223.1111 (www.dayoneservices.org)
Answered by the shelter that is closest to the caller
National DV Hot Line 800.799.SAFE/7233 or go to www.thehotline.org to chat with a trained Crisis Counselor.
National Dating Abuse Help Line 866.331.9474 (www.loveisrespect.org)
Home Free Shelter, Crisis Line 763.559.4945
https://www.missionsinc.org/our-services/domestic-violence-servicesIf you want to help fight domestic abuse, please join DVAA. Contact Susan Rivard (612.247.4428, susanrivard5873@gmail.com) or Jane Warren (763.494.5528, janewarren1@gmail.com) for more information.
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Lifesaving Apps for Survivors of Domestic Violence
These apps can record calls and fights, recognize an abuser and dial 911 on your behalf
A survey by DomesticShelters.org indicated that one third of survivors say they never documented abuse. Many survivors can’t admit that their once-loving partner has become abusive. Others know they are being abused but don’t think to keep a log of incidents, especially if the abuse is nonphysical. But when it is time to leave the abuser, secure a permanent order of protection and potentially fight for custody rights, any evidence the survivor can bring to court is only going to bolster his or her case.
Victims often have a tough time being believed. They are often accused of suffering the after-effects of abuse — things like cognitive impairment, memory problems and paranoia — which can call their testimony can into question. If it comes down to he said-she said, the victim can lose.
Below is an updated list of recommended apps which can help survivors record abuse as evidence and even identify abuse so they can get out before evidence is ever needed.
To Record Sounds in the Room: Rev Voice Recorder and Memos
A recording of an abuser’s threats, intimidation or control, or the sounds of physical abuse occurring — as scary as that concept is — can be an instrumental piece of evidence in court. This app allows you to record the sounds around you even with other apps open or when the phone goes to sleep, so you could essentially hide the fact you’re recording.Pros: Syncs to your Dropbox to back-up your recordings, in case the abuser deletes the recording or damages your phone.
Cons: Only works with iPhone and iPad. Does not record phone calls — for that, you’ll want the Rev Call Recorder.
Rating: 4+
To Record a Phone Call: Tape ACall Pro
Because threats and protection order violations often take place over the phone, it’s worthwhile to record phone conversations with an abuser. TapeACall allows you to record calls without an indication to the third party they’re being recorded. The app lets you download recordings to your computer as soon as you end a call. Labeling allows you to categorize recordings for easy access later.Pros: You can record both incoming and outgoing calls.
Cons: The Pro version is $29.99 a year. Only available on iPhones. Three-way calling needs to be supported in order to use, but adding the third call is virtually undetectable once the other person is on the line.
Rating: 4+
To Keep a Log of Abusive Incidents: VictimsVoice PWA
Documenting abuse can show a pattern of power, control and intimidation. But how do you keep an abuser from finding your notes? As a “PWA”, or progressive web app, your use of this tool isn’t tracked like your typical Internet use is and therefore is less likely to be detected by an abusive partner. Each time you log in, you use an activation code. It can be accessed from any computer, anywhere.Pros: Helps you create legally admissible chronological records to submit in court.
Cons: A little pricey at $39.95, but the information is kept safe indefinitely, even if you stop using the app and need to come back to it years later.
To Back You Up in Dangerous Situations: Noonlight You’re in an iffy situation—you’re meeting someone new or you’re with a current partner and don’t feel safe. Maybe you’re just walking into an unknown situation or heading home at night by yourself. Simply hold down the button in the Noonlight app and release when you are safe. If you let go and don’t enter your pin, 911 will be called and sent to your location.
Pros: You can text with responders if you’re unable to talk. Your location is updated even if you begin moving or get into a car. Can sync with Apple watch to send help immediately with the touch of a button. Also voice-activated through an Alexa (may be useful if children are in the house and in potential danger). Free to use panic button feature; $4.99 to $9.99 a month for additional features.
Cons: None that we could tell.
Rating: 4+
To Help Recognize an Abuser: RUSafe App
This free assessment and journaling app, based on a danger assessment tool, helps individuals decide if they’re possibly in a dangerous situation with a potential abuser.Pros: Free to download, works with iPhone and Android phones, includes a secure journal feature where text, audio and photos can be uploaded and emailed to yourself.
Cons: Icon denotes app’s purpose – may be easier to spot by an abuser who’s spying on a survivor’s phone.
Rating: 4+
Check This One Out, Too The myPlan app, which is discreet and password-protected, helps you identify if the actions of your partner fall into the abusive category. After answering a few questions, you’ll receive a score on a scale from Variable Danger to Extreme Danger and be given information about who to call for further advice and counseling.
(This material was adapted from an article in DomesticShelters.org, an online newsletter with domestic violence resources and information.)
If you want to work toward ending domestic violence please join our group, Domestic Violence Awareness and Action. We normally meet at St. Joseph the Worker Catholic Church in Maple Grove, but are an ecumenical group with members from many different places. We are meeting using Microsoft Meeting on the first Tuesday of every month during the pandemic. If you’d like to join us contact Jane Warren at janewarren1@gmail.com. -
What is Domestic Violence?
Violence is words and actions that hurt people. Violence is the abusive or unjust exercise of power, intimidation, harassment and/or the threatened or actual use of force which results in or has a high likelihood of causing hurt, fear, injury, suffering or death.
Are you in an abusive relationship? You may be if you have ever been threatened, kicked, shoved or had things thrown at you. You may be if you feel you have no choice about what you wear, what you say, or who you spend time with or where you go. You may be if you need your partner’s permission before buying food or clothing, writing checks or making other daily decisions.
Domestic Violence is always wrong!! This is not a women’s issue. This is not a feminist issue. This is an individual human rights AND moral issue.
If you would like to be a part of the Domestic Violence Awareness and Action Group here at St. Joe's, we meet on the first Tuesday of every month in the SJTW library from 7:00-8:30. We educate and take actions to move toward zero tolerance for domestic abuse. Contact Jane Warren at janewarren1@gmail.com or 763.494.5528 or Susan Rivard at susanrivard5873@gmail.com or 612.247.4428.